This moment can be the moment everything changes in a relationship between a man’s mother and his bride, because it has. The sense of rejection, however, is often not felt until the time of the wedding, when the mother is finally and fully “replaced” as the primary feminine love in a man’s life. “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). Marriage requires the total self-gift, so he cannot retain a boy-like affection for his mother while giving himself totally to his wife. The reason the separation is necessary is that a man leaves the feminine represented by the mother to be re-integrated into the feminine through his wife. In fact, mothers have been found to have the DNA of their sons forever “stored” in their brains, hearts, and other organs. “Mary kept these things in her heart …” We already knew that the bond between a mother and a son is uniquely deep, but this confirms that a mother’s son is literally kept inside her body! Read more: Mary is not a “mother-in-law” This can be hard for mothers, because they have a special place for their boys in their hearts. When the separation does not occur, an element of boyhood remains. Yet, as special as the bond is, a boy must have the “apron strings cut” or he risks being what we might call a “mama’s boy.” The reason we call a grown male with an unhealthy attachment to his mother a “mama’s boy” is that part of the process of becoming a man is an appropriate separation from the mother’s oversight. But at some point they begin to know each other as man and mother and not boy and mother.
This does not mean it grows less loving or close. So, the relation becomes more distant even if the bond is unbreakable (think of Jesus “leaving” Mary during his public ministry to do His “Father’s business”). He especially clings to the father during adolescence. He clings more and more to the men and friends that he will be like. A daughter grows more like the mother as she becomes a woman. Read more: How Do I Deal With My Difficult Mother-In-Law?įor the mother’s part, attachment to her son is also uniquely strong compared to mothers and daughters. In other words, a man makes a man, but we want more than a man – we want Christian gentlemen – and it is the mother that puts the gentle in a gentleman. He learns the truth of love through her gaze and care first.
(Girls and women, in general, do not tend toward physical violence like boys and men.) So, while it is often emphasized how often boys need a father to raise them into a man, this is true when it is time, but in the earlier years it is through the motherly bond that a boy learns lessons he will need as a man. For the son’s part, studies have shown definitively that without the proper attachment to his mother, a male’s chances of being violent or showing other instabilities grow noticeably.
To better understanding this, we should first note the unique bond between mother and son. Read more: What my mother-in-law taught me about my own cold heartīut why? If there’s a battle, where and why do a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law draw lines? What is the point of tension? From my perspective, that’s an easy one to answer: the battle is for the husband/son. To use the word “truce” might make you think of a war, and it’s true sometimes this relationship gets downright embattled. While it’s possible for these two women to share close bonds, it’s common for it to be tense (or worse), with shaky truces being silently negotiated every couple of months. Of all the relationships in family life, the one between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is often the most tenuous one. Here's some of the psychology behind this cliche, and you can find greater peace.
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